(Circa Jan 2011)
Dear SV,
How are you – don’t answer that, I don’t really care.
I thought maybe you would understand my subtle attempts at blowing you off. But apparently you don’t get it. How many different ways do I need to explain – That WE do not need to talk, that there is nothing to talk about.
But since you are hell bent on having a conversation, I have plenty to say to you, and its your turn to listen. So read my words carefully, and ask yourself when you are done, if you honestly think I give a straight up fuck about you or your feelings.
YOU AND I ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have no idea why you think we are. We had one phone conversation, you were drunk out of your mind – that doesn’t make us friends. That just makes me a nice person, for even giving your crazy ass the time of day.
Up until this point I have been civil, even kind to you because of my respect and love for NP. But trust me, the respect is gone and the love tarnished. I wont blame it on anyone else – but you had a huge deal to do with that. Up until this point, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, because I didn’t want to hurt NPs. But you know what, neither you nor NP ever gave a fuck about my feelings, and now I can say with some degree of certainty, that I just don’t care anymore. Im tired of biting my tongue and choosing my words.
And so, in the end, you really asked for this. You asked to hear exactly what I think of you.
NP IS IGNORING YOU.
He really is, not because he has someone else.
But because you are crazy and have made his life completely miserable with your drama queen stunts. Not only his life, but the lives of people around him are affected daily by your constant harassment. I think you need to stop looking up NPs caller history and start looking up the number of a psychiatrist. I am being entirely seriously. Not only have you plummeted off the deep end, you are drowning in your own self-righteousness and grand delusions.
You need to stop getting in his business and you need to stop harassing his family and friends, calling them at all hours. I am surprised no one has called the cops on your stupid ass or has a peace order filed. Because I know, that’s what I would do to rid myself of the cancer you seem to inject into the lives of people you touch.
And if you continue to harass me, I will make your head spin. Trust that.
I am not sure how much more clear I can write that.
You’ve conjured up this entire relationship with NP, but fail to see that for the last year it hasn’t been love that’s kept NP near, but rather pity and compromise. And NP is just as delusional if he thinks you’re going to change with any bit of affection and understanding.
I don’t think he understands that you are crazy because you are hurt. You are crazy because you are CRAZY. You, by nature and definition are manipulative and insane. You think, that if you cant win someone over with love, you can drive them to the brink of insanity and catch them as they fall. And then believe that because you rescued them, that they are forever indebted to you.
I will give you this – there was a time when NP LOVED YOU.
Was in love with you, and would have done anything for you. But you didn’t appreciate those emotions and that relationship for what it was. Instead, you took advantage of his feelings for you, and sent him in a tailspin of doubt, exploitation, mind-games and hurt. Yes, hurt. YOU HURT HIM. And then you want to sit here and act like me and you are friends – after you hurt someone I care about very deeply.
You also want to sit here and act like you are hurt – because he is ignoring you. How dare you. Seriously. That takes some balls after all that has been said and done. I do not doubt that you are hurt. Human emotions are strange, and how we feel is how we feel, whether its right or wrong. But, the reasoning for your hurt, is not because the man you love is ignoring you, but rather because you are losing control. That’s why you are hurt, because you have no control over the situation. If you truly loved NP, you would stop harassing him and let him deal. Let him be. Let him figure things out. Who knows, maybe by the end of the day, he would miss you enough to want to give it another shot.
But as far as things are right now, NP WOULD BE A FOOL a complete fool to continue in any sort of relationship with your crazy ass. And I really need to ask, why in the world would you want to be with someone who blatantly is ignoring you. Why in the world would you want to convince someone to love you? As a human being, and out of human decency, I would have to say noone should ever have to sacrifice their own dignity for love.
We all deserve to be loved, genuinely and truly. You cant blackmail someone into love you, nor is love some sort of argument that you can win and be awarded with.
Seriously SV, go take care of your kids. Go take care of yourself. How can you expect to be a decent wife and mother to NP and NPs children, when you can barely manage the ruins of your own life. You can barely take care of your children and yourself as it is – how can you even imagine trying to thrust your messed up existence on someone else. NP IS NOT A SAINT. Nor has he undertaken some oath to save the human condition, he doesn’t owe it to you or to God, to rescue you. You, however, owe it to your children to give them a safe and happy life.
That’s really all I have to say about your relationship with NP. At this point it only exists in your head.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME
There was a time when I was in love with NP. There are times even now, that I miss what we had and what we were. But, I am also wise enough to know, that what I felt for NP was never reciprocated to me, either in love or in friendship. And what I miss, is really the ghosts of something wonderful.
NP will always have a special place in my heart. There is no denying that. And I am sure you know how that feels. But you also have to accept responsibility for how YOU feel. You cant blame other people because someone doesn’t love you, or doesn’t want you anymore. Like, I said before – the human condition is strange. Sometimes there just is no reason or explanation as to why someone doesn’t want to be with you.
In my case – while I was in love with NP and would have done anything for him. While I was smart and funny, and successful, the one thing NP wanted was the only thing I couldn’t give him. NP wanted someone beautiful.. NP wanted someone who he would be proud of – who he could take out on the town and people would look at her and say, WOW SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. And really, while I can change my education and I can change my personality – I cant change the way I look. I cant be that for him and that’s my own fault. That’s not his fault. I am confident, that had I been more beautiful that NP and I would have been together. That you and NP would have never even been a concept.
But at the end of the day, as you once told me NP thinks nothing of me other than a some “whore”. Who’s fault is that. Its how he feels. Who’s to say that’s right or wrong. But knowing that, and hearing that, is enough for me to realize, why would I leave my heart in a place where its neither safe nor respected.
In your case – while NP was in love with you, you proved to be unreasonable and crazy. How is that his fault? He cant control the things you say or do, or how you make people feel. You cant blame NP for not wanting to be with you anymore. It’s the things you said and did, that have brought you where you are. So again, accept responsibility for how you feel. Learn from your mistakes and move on.
NP AND I ARE NOT FRIENDS
You sit and have the balls to text me things like “you have been his friend, are a part of him and I have always considered you his friend as well since you been in his life”. No SV, you never considered me a friend of his. You considered me your competition. You made sure that you destroyed whatever friendship NP and I had. If you had any respect for my friendship with NP, you wouldn’t have made him choose sides. You would have fought with him every time I talked or hung out with him.
If you had any respect for my friendship with NP and any respect for me as a person, you wouldn’t have taken such satisfaction the day NP told you I was “a stupid fucking whore”. Instead you would have reminded him, that I was his friend, that I was always there for him. You would have explained that a woman’s feelings are easily hurt and that he should choose his words carefully next time. You wouldn’t have repeated the words to me, and caused the hurt and hard feelings.
If you really valued my friendship with NP and considered me an important part of his life, you would have encouraged the friendship instead of trying to destroy it.
I will remind you have this much. NP and I were friends long before you were his girlfriend. We were friends before you entered our friendship and ate away at it. NP cut me out of his life a long time ago. I was a fool to hold on as long as I did. At the end, I had no choice but to let go. No choice but to realize that there was no friendship, no love, no loyalty left. And above all, no honor.
I will remind that you, for almost 5 years, NP and I shared an existence and a life. He was my life line and saw me through one of the hardest times in my life. And while, he was always so much stronger, I know that I was special to him.
And while NP may never remember, I will never forget.
That’s all I need to say, and that’s all I want to say.
Good Luck – I mean that sincerely.
Rice.
Indian Goddess Unraveled 